The Tranformation- VI

I was going through some old photographs the other day. I was reflecting on my High School Graduation photos and it suddenly became distressing to me that, that as I looked at all the photos, I don’t remember most of them being taken or much of the activity that happened at that time. In fact, most of that day and night were a blur for me. When my nervous system is in over-drive, I have a tendency to blank out. It’s always been my way of coping with any particular stressful situation. I do know, I really had to fight to remain “conscious” in my youth, due to suffering from so much anxiety way back then. I was so sensitive to everything around me that I was for the most part, moody and miserable. Its disheartening for me that that particular fact, I do remember. I was adept to holding these moods and anxiety inside me most of the time. My inner self naturally, is quite cheerful. I have always tryed to be positive and not let the moodyness and misery inside me leak out for fear of infecting others. I am glad that I was successful for most of the time: people always remembered me in high school as a person who was considered “cheery and quiet”. A dark point in my life during and after my nasty four year divorce and at the same time dealing with my daughter’s newly labeled challenges sent me over the edge. I became so over-stimulated by every thing around me, my nervous system shut right down. I had to withdraw from everyone around me including family, and I hibernated in my apartment with my daughter for almost ten years. I tried really hard to keep socializing. However, the extreme stress I was suffering from, created a person that resembled one that was way too stressed to make any social appearances with any sense of normality. When I noticed people looking at me funny, it was my signal to retreat and let go. I have to add that I was careful not to draw my daughter into my inner-world. I made it a point to take my daughter and I, on weekly field-trips to all sorts of places. Because my daughter was experiencing the negative side of her autistic characteristics, I understood, due to my own delicate nervous system, that she would enjoy the world of nature. And we had a great time- we went camping and travelled to all kinds of parks and places we’d never been to. All right in our neighbourhood (we are lucky that we live in B.C.).

I digress. Getting back to discovering my old grad photographs, I am reminded of a quote I’ve read in Sarah Ban Breathnach book, “Something More, Excavating your Authentic Self”:

“One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman, “Simone de Beauvoir tells us. Now when I look back on those old photographs, I don’t even know who that woman was. It was another life-time”.

Ditto. My youth was full of blurs. Now that I am currently undergoing premature peri-menopause I am finally forced to deal with my high sensitivities once and for all. This experience has been an awakening for me despite all the negative connotations that menopause brings. I realize now, that by withdrawing so much inside in order to cope with my high sensitivities back in my childhood, youth, and young adulthood, I have missed out on so much living. I have made so many innapropriate choices out of scatteredness or foggy-ness because I could not deal with my high-sensitivites and the anxieties created from them.

But not anymore. I now embrace premature peri-menopause and all that it brings. I have found my Saviour. Bring it on baby. I will no longer roll up into a ball like some animal in order to escape. My chrysalis has shrouded me for far too long. It’s now time to break free and fly. Peri-menopause has taught me that by accepting the inner changes within my body I teach myself how to control my high sensitivities. I have learned how to use my sensitivites appropriately, formed a coping mechanism and learned when to withdraw with grace. Like Sarah says in her book and it fit’s me to a “T”,

“As the inner changes increased in strength, I began to feel physically uncomfortable in my own body a great deal of the time, as if I were a ghost unable to move on. Eventually I did change my appearance and move toward who I was becoming. But this becoming is a continuous process”.

So, if you’re like myself you have two options:

a. Turn yourself into a blabbering, pre-maturely aged alcoholic or drug addict (medicinal or otherwise).

b. Or, turn yourself into the woman you have always envisioned yourself to be. Turn this negative experience into something positive. Fight for yourself. You deserve it!

Sarah Ban Breathnach says it beautifully: “As every Wilderness woman soon discovers, the beginning of wisdom is learning to light your own fire”.

So I have already begun and I’m far from finished. And this time, I’m going to remember every damned step I’ve taken. This journey of mine has taken quite the twist- and for once in my life, I don’t yet want to see the light at the end of tunnel because I’m really enjoying the creative processes that are occuring in my life.

A parting quote:

“Coco Chanel reminds us that: “nature gives you the face you have when you are twenty. Life shapes the face you have a thirty. But it is up to you to earn the face you have a fifty.” As long as the face staring back at you is authentic, you can call yourself anything you want to. But you’ll find me hanging out backstage with red-hot chanteuses, NOT my crone-ies”.

~Sarah Ban Breathnach

No only is Coco Chanel my favorite designer, but this is now my favorite quote and I now consider it to be my new Mantra
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To be continued.

The Transformation- V

I’ve already said that I really like Demetra Georges book “The Mysteries of the Dark Moon”. It blends ancient women’s science with today’s knowledge. I am always fascinated reading about ancient mysteries, science and how people came to discover and utilize them. Demetra’s book is all about the three cycles that occur in a woman’s life-time that are associated with the moon. She brings to light, the especially dark phases that occur during a woman’s life-time. Due to lack of knowledge, it is something that many women are hesitant to discuss or even deal with. However, I feel that they are legitimate and specific life cycles that occur each month and once in a woman’s life-time. They are referred to as the dark moon cycles.

Demetra explains the moons many transitions and what they represent, both in ancient times and in the here and now. The new moon, the time of month when the moon is hidden from us, is often disregarded. I have read, that its influence in a persons life is just as important as it is when the moon is full.

Demetra explains:

“The purpose of the dark phase of any cycle is that of transition between the death of the old and the birth of the new. The dark time is a time of retreat, of healing, and of dreaming the future. The darkness is lit with the translucent quality of transformation; and during this essential and necessary period, life is prepared to be born.

The dark prefaces the light in the same way that gestation precedes birth and sleep allows for rejuvenation. In the human psyche we experience dark periods when we feel turned inward and nothing seems to be happening. However, in retrospect we often realize that these fallow times were germinal periods preceding outbursts of creativity and growth.

Without the time to withdraw, rest, and recuperate from the demands of the outer activities of conscious waking life, our bodies and minds cannot sustain their vital supply of vital energy. If we correctly understand the dark, however, we can use the cover of darkness to learn the magic of our own particular secret rites, which can lead to a revitalized and replenished life”.

She mentions so much more but it is too much to write down here. Demetra is incredibly detailed and even though she speaks with an ancient, mythical, psychological, and archetypical tongue, I believe she speaks well to a woman’s heart. She goes back to a period of time when, the Goddess was worshiped- around 11,000 years ago or so, and explains how many of the women’s mysteries were formed.

The whole idea of speaking about the Goddess, Maid, Mother and Crone, the dark moon, etc., is about as comfortable for me as attempting to speak in tongues. However, it is the science and information not the religion and spirituality that speaks to me. When I used to work in an inspirational store, most women would always equate (books about) Goddess mysteries to Wicca, witchcraft and the like. And with justification. Many Wiccan/Witchcraft books do refer to the Goddess often. I however, believe one can take the Goddess mysteries to heart without having to take it as far as to practice with any particular religion. Just give me the science-side of things and I’ll be happy with that!

So, it is no suprise to me how influential the dark moon phase is in a womans life. Especially at a time when it is a womans “monthy” or when she is in the peri-menopausal stage. We are extremely tired at this time, withdrawn and needing quiet. I swear PMS was created to force us to retreat from others! When I was single, I used to make it a routine habit to make the “monthly” a literal retreat for myself. Though I diden’t know then what I know now, listening to my bodies monthy signals were important for my sanity. I would literally if I could afford it, take off for a weekend to do nothing but write, read and sit out somewhere in nature. If I could not afford a weekend retreat, a visit to the local park and beaches were a must a few times a week after work. Housework, phone-calls and the like be damned. When I felt the need to retreat at this time of month, I did so. In some way. I honored myself by taking this retreat and I always came back enlightened in some way. I haven’t done this in a while, now that I live with my boyfriend. I miss the time with myself greatly. However, I do have very good alternatives!

Needless to say, I must re-invent my time to withdraw into the darkness. Especially now that I am in my 3rd/Peri-Menopausal stage. It is important now, more than ever if I want to continue the re-creation process of me, myself & I.

As Demetra mentions in her book:

“To not change is to stagnate and truly die. A crisis (my crisis), however is not a terrible calamity. It derives from the Greek word “krino”, to decide, and means simply, a time for decision”.

So. That’s what I’ve been trying to do. Deciding. About alot of things!

I do have a problem with one word however. The word Crone. Demetra uses alot in her book. It has such ugly, old, withered connotations to it. The archetype of the word Crone does come from the goddess tradition however, it is universal meaning is “wise woman”. When once-upon-a-time, the word was intended to honor an older woman, it is now other-wise meant to degrade instead. The same goes with the word “hag”. I’ve read that it comes from the word “hagia” which means “sacred one”.

Both words have been desicrated forever in today’s movement of forever youth. And unfortunately both words have too much negativity attached to them. I believe however, that in today’s modern world, there are much better words out there to describe an older, and hopefully wiser women.

To be continued.