"Autism & Memoirs of an Old Maid"…C'hele's Story

April 14, 2010


Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — C'hele @ 08:45

How do I return to the old self?
After all these years?
The previous place was dry, dirty and barren-
A place where beauty struggles to express itself.
It is cold there,
But not from environmental temperature.
There, I was a zombie-
I do what I’m told,
I’m told that I’m worthless,
And all I felt was emotional or physical pain.
You get used to it after a while,
You just pretend that your dead.
Here, I had a chance-
To be happy and to be free,
In this country full of colours.
Here, people had faith in me-
Always smiling until my frozen heart eventually melted.
It took a long time though.
I learned that here, women had choices
Women had expression and individuality,
And its especially alright for women to be intelligent.
I wanted so badly to wear make-up.
I made so many new friends where before,
I wasn’t allowed to have any.
And now, I have to go back.
I’ve been told that I’m now damaged goods-
That I’m useless.
Even dogs and horses are worth more than me now.
Back to the struggle.
Back to the extreme lonliness.
Back to physical and emotional pain.
Back to covering up my face.
Back to being ashamed of myself.
For what awaits me is a one way ticket to exile in hell,
While my family remains here in paradise.
Suicide seems like the only answer-
For scars such as mine should never be seen.
Only time will tell what I will eventually do.

(I will miss you dearly A)



  1. C’hele, you need to talk with someone. Now. Tonight. Find the number for suicide hot line and call it. Let me know how you are doing.

    Comment by anhinga — April 14, 2010 @ 08:57

    • Anhinga, I just love you. You are such a great person! Do not worry about me…..
      I got bad news about someone who is leaving the country. I was speaking through her eyes…..

      Hugs to you 🙂

      Comment by C'hele — April 14, 2010 @ 22:28

  2. Oh, thank goodness. I felt your poem was about a real situation. I’m sorry for your friend, but glad it was not you. My reaction certainly attests to the power of your words. Now I can exhale. Hugs to you, too. 🙂

    Comment by anhinga — April 14, 2010 @ 23:47

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