"Autism & Memoirs of an Old Maid"…C'hele's Story

July 29, 2010

It’s Been A While…..

Filed under: Uncategorized — C'hele @ 10:23

This has been a funny year. So many turns upon the path and wow- in a completely different direction. I have read from many authors, especially those who specifically deal with women’s issues how life changes once a woman has reached the ripe old age of forty. They couldn’t have spoken with more truth in my opinion.

I turned fourty-three this year and there has been no other time where I have felt such a need to express my true authenticity. And what other people think be damned.

I don’t know how to explain it- maybe some may call it a mid-life crisis that I may be going through but I don’t think so. I’m not trying to regain my lost youth nor am I expressing my actions in any negative, crazy way. I just feel the need to live my life in a fuller way. Without any of the hang-ups, constrictions, or other responsibilities I may have had as an individual in my twenties.

So. I have been determined to express myself, lol. I have accumulated 4 tattoo’s and every time I go to the same tattoo artist (because the man is nothing short of amazing with regards to his artwork), it is hard not to get carried away. But common sense always rules and I have no real desire to look like some crazy aging tattoo queen. I have one bracelet (so they call them) around each wrist. My left wrist has an additional tattoo above the bracelet on my inner wrist. It’s a Latin quote, “Veritas Lux Mea” which means “Truth is my light or Truth is my Enlightenment.” I have one on the back of my neck that has wonderful Calligraphy like pen lines with the words “Sisu” above it (Finnish for “Great Internal Strength or Guts”). I also have a simple one on my derriere but I’ve had that since 1999 after my divorce was finalized. The obviously seen, are very classy or so I’ve been told. I have had alot of negative comments about having these done at my age. You know what? I have absolutely no regrets. I have had strangers come up to me to comment how unique and nice they are. I’m lucky that at my age, my skin is still in excellent shape to be able to have tattoo’s.

I have decided that its time that I conserve more energy because it takes alot work and had my long hair cut into a somewhat-short shag. It’s a very feminine look and I love it. Long hair is a pain in the ass to care for after one hits forty if you have to do it yourself.

I am currently studying for my motorcycle license. No kidding. I plan to buy a Harley Sportster next year along with a classic car providing that my goals are accomplished and I am debt-free by then. I’m sure there is some eye-brow raising here. No, I have not turned “butch or biker-ish” nor do I resemble anything like it. I just love learning new things is all, lol.

I have re-established a relationship with my ex-boyfriend and we have been working really hard to make things work despite our completely opposite personalities. Oh- my- god! I can’t stress enough, how hard this has been for me, working on this relationship when all I wanted to do at one point is flee every time we disagreed on something. Which is alot by the way. Let’s just say, the bedroom is our only mutual neutral ground. But, he appears to really love me. And why? I just can’t figure it out because I keep telling him that he needs to find another girlfriend. Not some eccentric hermit like myself. But he won’t go away so I guess I’ll have to keep him *wide grin here*.

I have willingly released a group of friends in which I have known for twenty or twenty-five years. This has been an ongoing progression for about five years now. I finally accept that I have absolutely nothing in common with these old friends and never did. Holding onto them I have discovered, has only feed my deep-seated insecurities of being alone when I was in my twenties. Friends growing apart is not entirely a negative thing. Sometimes people need space in order to grow and that might require regular maintenance and pruning. I don’t feel guilt anymore because I now realize that not only myself, but my old friends also needed distance away from each other too. I found that I allowed myself even though I was always on the outside of the circle, to be involved with an extremely co-dependent and insecure group. Funny how like attracts like but not for me anymore. I know I have made the right decision- I have absolutely no desire to contact any of them but they will forever, always be in my heart and I wish them nothing but well in their lives.

My daughter has turned fifteen this summer. This totally whacks me out. I have alot to say about my very charming autistic girl, but I will save this for a future post.

I am hoping that all my blogger friends are doing well and are safe, healthy and happy. I have not had the opportunity to catch up and read how everyone is faring, so I will have to make a point to do just that.

Till next time.

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