"Autism & Memoirs of an Old Maid"…C'hele's Story

September 22, 2009

Anhinga’s Meme…….

Filed under: Uncategorized — C'hele @ 07:49

Oh, my goodness. I am indebted to Anhinga for the meme. It has helped me to grow out of the funk I have been in regarding writing for quite some time now. Well, I’ll give it a shot (no pun intended Anhinga!), lol.

1. I am no morning person. In fact, I’m really quite miserable upon waking up. If anyone bothers me before twenty minutes is up, I might have to kill them. My body requires that I wake up gently for at least twenty minutes upon waking in order to later function like a decent human being.

2. I am a true chameleon. I can pretty much adapt to any surrounding or situation. I can also be a complete “lady” or “tomboy” when I have to be (or both at the same time if necessary).

3. I absolutely abhor rudeness (or primitive, neadrathalic-like behaviour) from people. Especially when its not necessary or called for.

4. I absolutely adore driving fast. Its really bad, I know. I really need a hot-rod (a 1967 Ford Fairlane to be exact) so I can race on a quarter-mile track.

5. I don’t need friends to be happy in life. But its refreshing when I come along someone who is on the same wave-length as I am.

6. I’m fiercely independent. Have been all my life. I keep telling my boyfriend that he needs to dump me, but he wont listen.

7. I’m 42, but all the students at the school where I work in, thinks that I’m 30. Hell, I’m content with that. I’m very good at dressing like the girls in school without looking like (or becoming) an idiot. I’m very proud of the fact that I do indeed take care of myself…..naturally. I also have to thank mom and dad for the genes!

8. Sitting in silence, in nature, is for me, better than drugs or alcohol.

9. There is nothing more intimate like a passionate kiss. Not a wet, sloppy, gum-sucking ordeal!

10. I love my daughter more than anything in the world.

This was fun Anhinga- *wink.*


September 15, 2009


Filed under: Poetry — C'hele @ 08:15

Gazing into the evening sky
The silence overwhelms me.
Stars twinkle with tender energy
Reminding me that there is movement within the heavens.
And suddenly,
I am in awe of the of the power and majesty of it all.
The dazzling, twinkling stars
Are a reminder that like Yin and Yang,
That the dark firmament would languish without them.


Filed under: Poetry, Uncategorized — C'hele @ 07:49

When you look at me like that,
I am no longer able to see you-


The Divine is staring me down-
Burning me with incredible intensity.


How is one able to survive with passion such as that?

Oh… my…God.

Burn me.

September 12, 2009

A Short Story

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: — C'hele @ 05:45

Standing beside the gasoline pump with his right hand resting on the pump handle, his tousled, warm coloured dark-brown hair hung carelessly over his forehead. Watching his face as she approached him, she could not help but again admire the rugged, angular features of his face. And he found that his steel-like composure was slowly breaking down. He was unable to remove his eyes off of her radiant face as she approached. “Courage,” she kept telling herself. Standing before him, a soft smile was the only thing that accompanied the package that she gently handed him. Re-used wrapping paper was all that she had as she was unable to afford any new wrapping paper. No words were spoken as the gift exchanged hands and fingers slightly brushed. Opening the gift, he found the picture frame broken and split into two. There under the broken glass, was her hand-drawn sketch of the two of them walking hand-in-hand. With tears in her eyes, she apologized and said, “I’m sorry, the cheap picture frame was all I could afford for your birthday. It’s the thought that really counts….right?” Her face reflected horror of the ill-omen of the shattered glass. Not a word emanated from him. He looked down at the broken gift in his hands and raised his eyes to meet hers. The glow that emanated from his eyes made his chocolate-brown eyes look almost gold. Lost in the light, she had a flash-back of a scene from one of her favourite movies, “It’s a wonderful Life.” The situation she was now in, reminded her of the electricity that passed between George and Mary as they shared a phone-call with Sam Wainwright.

His eyes never left hers as he said: “Two souls but with a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.”

September 11, 2009


Filed under: Uncategorized — C'hele @ 08:21


It really wants to mess you up. Its only a blind- not only for the person passing, but for the witness as well. I was blessed to be part of an amazing, transformative experience. There is a magic to be found when there are women surrounding a loved one whilst he or she is dying. There is magic to be found if one can put their own ego aside for the one passing. Women have a long history of being the caretakers of the sick, the elderly, the dying and after-death care.

I cannot explain it. I cannot find all the answers. But the little reading I did do, I understand that women have always been held in high regard to being “the strong care-takers” regarding death. There was five of us, all women in my family that surrounded my grandfather as he passed over. Every single one of us were calm and supportive as my grandfather asked, “how long is it going to take?”

I was, I hope, an instrument towards something positive as my grandfather was dying. Upon the doctor telling us that there was nothing more that he could do, my main concern was that my grandfather would at last, feel no more pain. As much as I was conscientious and sensitive about asking this question to the doctor with my grandfather in the room, the last words he spoke to us was, “I feel no more pain,” and he forced a smile. That simple, freaking act, will haunt me till my own death. My grandfather then took a long, drawn breath- his last, before he passed away.

I have done much reading on the subject. Death, I have read, is the one major test placed upon mankind. If one can accept and prepare for his or her own death, one has found true liberation upon this plane. Death…..is, as many of us have heard, only a beginning. I have read, that true happiness upon earth can only manifest when one has accepted one’s mortality and the art of dying. Yes, it is an art-form. Many different cultures will tell you so.

My grandfather, a true Finnish-born man despite his Swedish bloodlines, fought for the Finnish Army in WW II and truly modelled what it was to have “Sisu.” He was to me, invincible. He could beat any odds, (but I knew one day it would catch up with him). Despite all his health issues, despite all the doctors comments about the odds and that he should have been dead 15 years ago, my grandfather proved to everyone what he was made of. And even though he was 85, it was too early for him to die in my eyes. But, his father (who abandoned him when he was eight and moved to Australia), lived to 85. So, my grandfather set that age as his own personal goal. He died a month after his 85th birthday.

I haven’t found sleep in two weeks. I don’t dream of the experience, but sleep still somehow eludes me. Subconsciously, the whole experience has obviously affected me.

I have found one way to find some kind of healing: I had two tattoo’s done. One on the back of my neck and one on my wrist. The one on my back has some intricate fine-line scroll work with the word above it, “Sisu.” (it’s a very classy design). The other, (a tattoo on my wrist is) an Orobourous. It is the Cosmic Serpent, the Infinity symbol. It represents that after every ending or death is a beginning. Like a circle, life never ends.

At work, the principle, vice-principle and many teachers have been checking them out silently. I guess it passed with approval, as no one has approached me about it yet.

I am in the process of writing personal letters to the other five female members of my family that were with me and assisted my grandfather. I want them to know just how meaningful it was for not only me, but for all of us, that we were together for our dad/grandfather. I was incredibly proud that day to be female. To be a Finn. To be able to identify and utilize my own “Sisu.”

I am determined to pass this major spiritual test: I will not be afraid when my own time comes- death is only the beginning towards true liberation and freedom. For the remainder of my life-time, I intend on living my life to the fullest and learn to cultivate the art of dying. This, is what I consider to be true enlightenment.

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